"Cuddles is filmed before a live studio audience."

Dear Honestly,

My dearest reader, there is no easy way to say this, so I will have to be blunt: You've got problems. Your boyfriend, to be exact. The man is raising insecurity beyond a mere pathology, but right through the ceiling of being an artform to the stratosphere of purposefully embodying it

My first instinct was to actually buy the act like you seem to be doing, and ask you all kinds of questions on whether you have started to say his name differently, whether you have introduced a new technique that gets you off so differently it scares him, whether you asked him to change his name to match your ex's for convenience sake, or maybe whether you should stop holding up score-cards after every fuck because they are eroding his ego.

But I don't buy it. This is such a ludicrous accusation that it is obvious that 'your' guy is trying to pick a fight, and a vicious one at that. It is a fight in which you can't defend yourself, and it ends up being about your private inner life, a place he should respect and not resent.

You could give him the fight, if you feel generous, or you could even try to find out what is really going on, if you want to feel miserable. But all indications are that he wants out. My dear, you do have problems, and it is time to dump that problem where it belongs: out of your life.

-- Your friend, Cuddles

Dear Fumbling,

In the dark? You actually have sex in the dark? Not even a dim light, or the glow of candles, the harsh beams of the truck, the halogen for the videocamera, the center spotlight on the stage? The dark? How modest of you!

In the light or in the dark, though, it is vital that all paraphernalia is at all times quickly accessible and in a known place. Cuddles is suddenly reminded of a trick in which, after disrobing and foreplay, the swarthy Turkish-wrestler look-a-like took 15 minutes to find a condom. All the lights were on while Hunky was upsetting one stack of papers after another stack of laundry, and I kept being stared at by this jealous German sheperd. If Cuddles hadn't been a randy 22 year old student at the time, my equipment might have even lost some of its rigor and failed to properly receive the accessory once the seemingly endless hunt was over. So, keep your necessities well stocked and in a known place.

Whether they are in sight or not doesn't depend on whether you want to create the illusion of a seamless performance; the answer to that question is always yes anyway. So wherever you put them, practice grabbing and using them without looking. No, the question whether to put them in sight or not depends on what image you want to portray of yourself. If you want to communicate you are a Pig and A Jolly Good Time, you keep them in view so your date knows what he is in for. If you want to come across as anything else, they go in the drawer. In the end, the reasons for choosing either should reflect your personality, just like the decision as to whether the black that one wears to the opera is full leather or a tux.C ome to think of it, the both decision are pretty much identical.

-- Hope this helps, Cuddles

Reader, dearest, did you move into your new appartment building straight from the great unwashed plains of Iowa? Nebraska? No, even there many people know about the telescopes for... Bophututswana, perhaps?

Reader, these telescopes are just for show. Ornamental. People have them in their houses to seem intelligent and intellectual, because believe me, the overwhelming amount of the people you mention couldn't distinguish a quasar from a pulsar. They're just conversation pieces.

Incidentally, since you seem so new to the city, I would like to give you the advice that the management of appartment buildings usually frowns on excessive closing of curtains and/or blinds. Covering the windows impedes the thermic flow from the basement as it gets pulled up by the osmotic action of the uncovered windows, especially during and after baths and showers, so make sure to close your curtains and blinds as little as possible. Your neighbors are sure to appreciate your thoughtfulness.

-- TTFN, Cuddles

Confused? Worried? Starved for exposure? Send your question to Cuddles The Answerbear and he just might take a stab at it. Send your email to cuddles@resourcesforbears.com.

Disclaimer: In reality, Cuddles is completely unqualified to answer anything authoritatively, and renders his counseling services completely for free. In other words, you will get what you paid for. All persons mentioned in this article are fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This message will self-destruct in 30 seconds. All your fabric softener bear are belong to us.

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