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Previous editions of Cuddles: - Feb. 19 - Apr. 2 - May 1 |
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Dear Cuddles, OK, so there's this bear on AOL. I saw his webpage one night and he's rilly CUTE. I mean he's, like, cuter than all the Backstreet Boys put together. But whenever I wanna chat with him I freeze up and I dunno know what to say 'cause he's SO CUTE. So, like, how do you just go up to a guy online and start, like, talking to him when he's THIS devastatingly cute?-- Terminally Bummed in Long Beach |
Oh. Dear. Dear Terminally Bummed, I mean. Such a quandry you find yourself in. I know it well, as people seem speechless around me too, and the Instant Messages are few and far between, especially after I have added yet another picture to my webpage.
But I wouldn't advise you to open with what would work to ensnare me -- "I'll be in Boston next week for the annual convention of the Biker-Bar Bouncers Guild, can I give you a professional massage while I lick the hairs off your back?" I would advise that perhaps reading his webpage and profile can give you something, anything, that you may have in common. And then start with that, like "Do you like A.J.'s facial hair better now or on the 'Millennium' tour" or "Hi, I love your background gif, where did you get it?" Don't be afraid to even just start with "hi"; everyone knows the first sentence of an Instant Message doesn't really count, just that you typed it. As long as it isn't "age/sex/location?" of course. Yuck.
He may be cute but if he's on AOL, he wants to talk. Take a deep breath, imagine yourself to be a secret agent on a mission to know this man, and go. Our country needs you.
But really, Terminally, do be careful. From your words I get this sense that you are but a budding tender bloom, and AOL is a pretty wild garden. What looks like a rose in a picture can in actuality be a pretty nasty weed. Best bring your lopping shears along.
TTFN,
Cuddles
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Dear Cuddles, I'm in love with a really wonderful, furry, bear-type guy who also loves me. He wants us to be monotonous [sic], and so far that has not been a problem. Neither one of us has slept with anyone else. However, he plans to make a visit to his home planet soon which is many light-years away. He says that during the trip he plans to be faithful to me, and wants me to do the same. The problem is that due to time dialation, the trip will take 4 monthes [sic] for him, but it will be 6 years for me back here on Earth. Do you think this is fair? |
Well, it is nice to know that even Alf could find happiness after a sitcom.
But dear, your relationship does have a little problem here. Now, it isn't that every relationship must be perfectly symmetrical to be successful. What actually works is that both partners make agreements that they are comfortable with, and that those agreements are stuck to. Even if the rules set are exactly the same for both partners, if the situation doesn't fit one of them, resentment lurks in the shadows. And that, my dear xeno-ursophiliac, is the end of any healthy relationship. 'Fair' is a distraction.
Take, as an example, an actual relationship of Cuddles' knowledge, where one of the partners had the need to sow his oats and the other had long gotten over that. The first, a young student, felt that he was missing out on some experiences that he needed to grow. The other, ready to settle down, just got plain exhausted at the thought. The agreement ended up being that the hot-blooded fucker was allowed to play far and wide, as long as it didn't detract time from the relationship and he didn't bring any harm or mess to the happy home. The oats were sown during standard business hours with tourists left and right, and at night the couple talked and snuggled. When they eventually did break up it was over something completely unrelated to sex.
So forget whether he is going to be faithful to you and how long his trip is. Can you last without sex for 6 years? Can your love last without him for 6 years? For humans, 6 years is actually a long time, and by the time he comes back, even if you did only have healthy sexual encounters with your palm, pillows, watermelons, pies, or random tree trunks, you will be a completely different person than you were when he left -- perhaps someone who won't fit that relationship anymore. It is romantic to say you will wait, but it is a longshot -- about as long metaphorically as the distance he needs to cover to go home.
You have to decide what is best for you, but you have to be honest to him and tell him that the human male, in general, is not this faithful, and that he is asking for a lot. But what you can say is that if and when he comes back, you will be there, and if you are still available, you can both try to start over. He is the one leaving, and as such, the burden is on him to take the chance.
Shine on,
Cuddles
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Dear Cuddles, Do I have to wait until Memorial Day before I can wear my dazzlingly white leather chaps?-- Season Bear |
No, dear Season (hi Season!), you have to wait until you have properly accessorized these chaps with other dazzlingly white cowboy acoutrements for the sole use in your cheesy strip number for the Chippendales. Then, and only then, can you wear them.
Smooches,
Cuddles
Confused? Worried? Starved for exposure? Send your
question to Cuddles The Answerbear and he just might take a stab at it.
Send your email to cuddles@resourcesforbears.com.
Disclaimer: In reality, Cuddles is completely unqualified to answer anything authoritatively, and renders his counseling services completely for free. In other words, you will get what you paid for. All persons mentioned in this article are fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Any Emily Dickinson poem can be sung to the tune of "The Yellow Rose of Texas."
      
      
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