|
Previous editions of Cuddles: - Feb. 19 - Apr. 2 - May 1 - June 1 |
|
|
| "You are the weakest bear. Good-bye." | |
|
|
|
Dear Cuddles, This bear from Europe is visiting (he wanted to see the US, and I'm helping international relations by letting him crash at my place for a few days). He doesn't speak much in the way of English, but he gets his point across, if you catch my drift. But I don't speak his language, and I can't tell if he's talking dirty while we're in bed or reciting bad translations of Emily Dickenson poems --- I can't tell if I should get off on it or burst out laughing... Please help! Signed, |
Dear Monolingual,
I can't say I understand your predicament. Surely those sultry verbal rhythms of the unsurpassed poetry of Ms. Dickenson, softly but forcefully growled into your ears, are unmistakeable in any translation that a bear into turning up the heat with displays of his wicked and erudite mind might have memorized them in. How can there be any question if he is able to match the motions of his muscles to the structure of the sentences, milking the anticipation verbally apparent in every slight break of the narrative with corresponding movements of his driven body, turning the stanzas into a framework of controlled sensual frenzy in which every drop of sweat falling on your skin has its place?
Because if that verbal heat isn't the case, you can be sure that what he's saying is some local form of ridiculous sex-talk, imported and, at least partially (or else you'd have noticed), translated from American "oh yeah, oh yeah, deeper, deeper" porno movies. If so, please, I know it's difficult, but do have the courtesy not to laugh. It might hurt his feelings.
Oh baby,
Cuddles
|
|
Dear Cuddles, I bought my daddybear a TiVo digital recorder for Xmas so that it'll record things while we're otherwise occupied. We entered in all the things we like to watch: WWF Wresting, the New Yankee Workshop, and Babylon 5 (of course), but it keeps suggesting weird movies like The Women, All About Eve, and lots with people like Ethel Merman, Esther Williams, and Carmen Miranda (whoever they were). I don't get it --- I thought I had a really butch straight-acting (score = 4) daddy, but the TiVo thinks we're nellie queens... what gives? Signed, |
 |
Dear cubby,
GIVE ME BACK MY TIVO!
Seriously, though -- in cases like these, invariably the TiVo is trying to tell you something. TiVo's are supposed to predict what you want to see, and once those psychic powers are built in, your TiVo is not planning to get off its mission just because the results contain some truths you find inconvenient. It's a TiVo, after all. It must predict, and predict well.
Unfortunately, TiVos are not very communicative about why they predict what they predict. But then again, what true psychic is? One could hypothesize in many directions. Like, for example, either you or your partner have an unfullfilled viewing wish that you're too chicken to admit because you're so desperately wed to adult Boy- Scout-like merit badges like 'straight acting'. Or it knows that your friends are slowly starting to think you as crashing bores, the usual side-effect from relentlessly glorifying and chasing said merit badge. Maybe the TiVo itself is bored to tears, and nothing lights up a day like a Carmen Miranda number.
That the TiVo is bored seems rather unlikely to me, considering my TiVo can't get enough of recording the movie Them! (plot: giant mutant ants eat L.A.) even though it has already seen the show at least five times. I hear that every box has a personality of its own. Whatever it is, remember that TiVo is psychic and TiVo knows best. So invite some of your equally badge-obsessed friends, put on some Clinique facial packs, and give in.
Or learn to use the thumbs-down button already. Geeez.
Good luck,
Cuddles
Confused? Worried? Starved for exposure? Send your
question to Cuddles The Answerbear and he just might take a stab at it.
Send your email to cuddles@resourcesforbears.com.
Disclaimer: In reality, Cuddles is completely unqualified to answer anything authoritatively, and renders his counseling services completely for free. In other words, you will get what you paid for. All persons mentioned in this article are fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. And there's always the threat of an attack by, say, a giant space dragon. The kind that eats the sun every thirty days. It's a nuisance, but what do you expect from reptiles? Did I mention my nose is on fire and that I have fifteen wild badgers living in my trousers? I'm sorry, would you prefer ferrets?
      
      
|
Text and images are Copyright © 1994-2010 by Resources for Bears
and their respective owners. All rights reserved.