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The Natural Bears Classification System (V1.10)
(Bob Donahue = BBC)
Because "Bears" mean so many things to different people,
because bears come in all shapes and sizes and have different sexual
proclivities, because classified ad prices are SOOOOOO expensive,
we (while eating lunch at a Boulder, Colorado, Wendy's on Thanksgiving
weekend, 1989) came up with this incredibly-scientific system to describe
bears and bear-like men.
Since we both have interests in astronomy, we are well-versed in
star and galaxy classification systems, which use prototypes to set the
standards for describing things. Rather than just saying something is of
"Type I" or "Type II" (etc.), it is better to use natural features to describe
an object, in particular as a continuum of a range of features. Such is
the case with bears.
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The Classification Scheme
The most obvious characteristic of a bear is understandibly
his facial fur. So, that is the most logical place to begin. Using
a capital "B" to denote "BEAR", we have added a sub-class characterizing
"beard type" which combines a bear's beard's length, thickness, and
overall "keptness", numbered from 0 to 9 and defined in the following
0 - (Little/no beard, or incredibly sparse) Such a beard is
the absolute minimum that could ever be classified as a
beard. We're talking 5-o'clock shadow, here! And yes, we
are of the opinon that the beardless can still find
company among the ursines!
1 - (VERY slight beard) This is the kind of beard that people have
who want to have a beard, but can't grow one.
Or someone who is contantly at the 1-week phase.
2 - (Slight beard) A beard kept VERY short at all times, or
3 - (Thin beard) A beard in all respects but kept thin
4 - (Mostly full) A beard that is full except for a few noticable
bald spots, or kept trimmed.
5 - (Full beard) A full beard not generally trimmed, though not
generally bushy. May have a few bald spots on inspection.
Usually full and roundish beards fall into this category.
6 - (Very full) A full beard, not trimmed. May be slightly
bushy but very full. Thick, full beards (moreso than B5's)
are B6's. B6's beards also generally are higher up on
the cheeks than B5's.
7 - (Longish/bushy beards) A full beard or slightly thin beard
with longish fur. This beard is not trimmed and does come
away from the chin.
8 - (Very Long Beards) These beards are usually very bushy and
haven't seen clippers for a very long time.
9 - (Belt-buckle-grazing long beards) The prototype is ZZ Top.
Need we say more?
Ok... Using this scheme, it shouldn't be hard to narrow a person
down to within 1 sub-class, although occasionally people may fall between
two classes, and then the end result is left up to the person classifying,
or one may use a hybrid designation (for example: B7/4) for those who vary
across time (in the given range they spend more time near the first
Other Classifiers for Bears
While beards can be an observable trait of bears, there are other
things that different people take into consideration as to "what makes up
a bear", and things that people like in their bears. So, bearing that in mind
(pun intended) there are other criteria that can/should optionally
follow the "B" designation.
N.B. It is not necessary to have a "grade" for each of these
traits! For each there is a "neutral" value, which basically describes
someone who is "average" or "unknown" within that trait. These "neutral"
values are given below, but would not be reported --- treat them as either
"default" or "assumed".
f - "The FUR factor". Some bears are particularly hairy about the
rest of their bodies, others INCREDIBLY furry, yet others
though rightfully bears, have little or no fur on their
chests, arms, legs, back, butt, etc. So, one of the
following may be added to better describe a bear's fur:
f++ WAY above average fur
t - "the TALLNESS factor". To describe bears that are tall or
short for their frame.
f+ above average fur
f furry in a bearish sense
(none) "neutral", avg. fur from a sample population of
both bears and non-bears
f- below average fur
f-- WAY below average fur--"Nair-smooth to the max!"
t++ a virtual giant bear
w - "the WEIGHT factor". For those who perfer their bears more
or less fluffy.
t+ taller than average
t tall but not very tall
(none) average height
t- shorter than average
t-- a bear of very small stature
w++ a round bear/BIG TEDDY bear
c - "the CUB factor". For the junior up and coming bears.
w+ a big boned bear
w bear with a tummy
(none) average weight for frame
w- a thin bear (otters!)
w-- a bony bear
c++ complete daddy's boy
d - "the DADDY factor". For the cubs, etc.
c+ definite cub
c cub tendencies
(none) not "cubbish"
c- looks like a cub but isn't
d++ DADDY with a vengenance (even his parents call him SIR!)
Note there are now also HYBRID classes "cd" and "dc":
d+ definite DADDY
d daddyish tendencies
(none) not a daddy
d- looks like a daddy but isn't
cd A cub with "daddy tendencies"... Sort of like
a "grown up cub".
g - "the GROPE factor": This is the amount one likes to be touched
or pawed etc.
dc A daddy with cub-like tendencies/features.
dc- More daddy than cub
d+c REAL daddyish and also VERY cubbish
g++ Love to grope/paw/touch etc. Will attack without
k - "the KINKY factor"... for those who dare.
warning. Gives hugs to hot otherwise unknown bears
on the street in open daylight.
g+ likes to be touched most of the time
g Generally outgoing with ursine affection, a little
more reserved about place/person...
(none) Average amount of receptivity to being touched
g- Generally doesn't like people to invade his
g-- You touch my bod, I break your face!
k++ likes just about EVERYTHING... we mean *EVERYTHING*!!!
s - "SEX (ok, SLUT) factor.
k+ picks and choose according to likes; willing to consider
k open minded. Might choose SOME things on the "menu"
(none) kinky neutral
k- has definite ABSOLUTE dislikes
k-- totally vanilla
- In SOME people's bear codes, "s" might
really mean "k"
- (since "k" WAS originally "s" in the earlier
s-- strictly monogamously/relationship oriented. No
outside affairs, or in some cases, sex ONLY in
m - "the MUSCLE factor"... for those who like meat on them
s- relationship oriented. Perfers a formal sort of
relationship over playing around, however the
scope of the word relationship is not defined here.
(none) relationship neutral
s neutral wrt to relationships/monogamy.
s+ will form relationships which are generally open-ended
s++ strictly polygamous, prefers very open relationships
(N.B. "semi-"official --- may be dropped w/ V2.0)
e - "the ENDOWMENT factor"... sometimes a size queen's gotta
m++ Arnold Schwartzineger is that you?
m+ definitely works out or is a ranchhand
m some definition/blue collar
(none) muscle neutral
what a size queen's gotta do.
h - "the BEHR factor"... for behrs (men without beards but
(N.B. "semi-"official --- may be dropped w/ V2.0)
e++ gets complete respect even from straight men
e+ gets attention
(none) endowment neutral
You might also put a parenthesized number for the "B"
designation to give an idea of WHAT the person would
look like with a beard.
r - "the RUGGED/OUTDOOR factor".
h behr (moustache no beard)
h+ Definite BEHR (moustache no beard)
h- no beard OR moustache! (very rare but still cave dwelling)
r++ "Grizzly Adams"
p - "the PECULIAR factor"
r+ Flannel/jeans/C&W really *are* second skin
r Spends some time outdoors/camping
(none) rugged neutral
r- prefers indoor-type activities (techie or 3-piece)
r-- never seen in the outdoors at all.
p Some idiosyncracies --- no judgement made to
whether these are "good" or "not so good"
q - "the *Q* factor (ahem)"
q for bears who are out - WAY out - and love every
minute of it. Stereotypes be damned, break out the
chiffon and everything else, because girlfriend,
as Auntie Mame says "Life is a banquet and most poor
bastards are starving to death!"
(For the stunned reading this - yes, Virginia,
"q" is a GOOD thing just like "t-- and t++ are GOOD
things", "w-- and w++ are GOOD things"; nothing
negative should be associated with the *labels*
pertaining to classification!)
The following aren't graded, they are just flags attached to the
||for variable, said trait is not very rigid, may
change with time or with individual interaction
(e.g. some guys who are generally REAL daddies,
may turn into REAL cubs occasionally, etc.)
||for traits where there is no HARD information
available and the value is completely guessed
at: eg. a picture of a hot bear that LOOKS like
a rugged outdoorsman, r+? but in reality could
be a 3-piece suit bear.|
||for traits which are observed but uncertain,
eg. a guy who is wearing a lot of clothes, so
you can't be SURE he's an f+, but his forearms
REALLY suggest that he is, hence f+:
||for cases where the trait is as close to a
prototype as possible, or an exemplary case of
a specfic trait... eg. the ultimate f++!|
||for indicating "cross-overs" or ranges. A guy who goes from k to k++ depending on the situation
(ie mostly "k") could use k(++)|
You can make the punctuation as detailed as desired, although
the best ones to read are the ones which are the most clear and
simple to understand.
NOTE: None of the classification materials in any way suggests a ranking or
value judgement, in terms of what constitutes a "better" bear. Every
person has their own favorite type!
Some Specific Examples
|Bob Donahue||B5 c+ f s-: w t- r k?|
|Jeff Stoner||B6 f+ w sv w r+ k(+?)|
Added note: We're still working on this... Some bears
have asked that we extend the system to include "beard parameters
like thickness, length, kemptnmess, etc...., so inevitably "VERSION 2"
will be done... I have run across a bear or two that for me defied
"good classification", mostly because of the beard. So... we'll see.
This file is the canonical copy of the most current version
the NBCS (Bearcode) and appears with permission of the authors.
The Natural Bears Classification System (Bearcode) is Copyright
© 1989-1999 by the authors. No reproduction of this file in any
medium is permitted without permission of the authors.
Text and images are Copyright © 1994-2010 by Resources for Bears
Last Updated: Saturday, 22-Dec-2001 12:51:47 MST
and their respective owners. All rights reserved.